Verbal Matching in Conversational Hypnosis

When you Verbally Match someone, you are validating that person’s perceptions of the physical world—that is, what he sees, feels, or hears— and/or, that person’s generalizations about the world (e.g., “Men only want sex,” “Women only want rich men,” “The earth is flat,” “The earth is roughly spherical,” “Work is fun,” “Work sucks,” “Democrats employ the politics of resentment,” “Republicans unselfconsciously rely on advantages secured over generations,” “The sky is green,” “The future is in plastic,” “This project is tough,” “This project is easy,” “Beliefs are arbitrary extrapolations from and generalizations of random, idiosyncratic personal experiences,” “Beliefs are sacred,” etc.).

As we suggested earlier, the instinctive, emotional part of the mind is always on the lookout for sources of information that verify what it is experiencing. When you offer a group of truths, the instinctive part of the mind classifies you as a good source of information. When you have been classifed as a good source of information, the Other, instinctively, is moved more powerfully by what you suggest.

Good public speakers and salespeople often begin by saying things which, frankly, are obvious. They know that while the listener, on an analytical level, thinks, no kidding, schmuck, to an obvious remark, that listener, on an instinctual, emotional level, responds with Yes, that’s true...tell me more.

Several years ago, an internationally famous murder trial involving a retired sports celebrity-cum-movie star featured a classic case of very blunt Verbal Matching. The attorney for the defense, a celebrity in his own right, began his summation to the jury by pointing out some wonderfully obvious facts: You are in a courtroom; you have heard testimony from one expert, and another expert, and some other expert; you have been sitting a long time listening to these things; you have had to consider a variety of things...

Listening, one thinks, No kidding.

Listening, one senses, Yes, that’s true...tell me more. And

therefore, one listens more closely, and more easily goes along with what’s said.

The point is that saying things with which the listener agrees establishes an alignment, a symmetry between your words and your listener’s experience.

People crave alignment.

Symmetry makes people feel good. Symmetry causes people to relax. Symmetry, harmony, and proportionality are, in fact, the ingredients of beauty, and communication possessed of symmetry is perceived and experienced as beautiful.

Communication can exhibit two kinds of symmetry, two kinds of alignment, each of which provides emotional punch. The first kind we call Internal Alignment, the second, External Alignment.

Internal Alignment is a measure of how well the various elements of your Output agree with one another. Does your facial expression match your words? Does your posture match your words? Does the pitch of your voice match your words? Does your facial expression match your gestures? Et cetera.

External Alignment is a measure of how well your Output matches the Output and the emotional and physiological state of the other person. Do you both look casual and relaxed, with arms not crossed and legs not crossed? Is one of you smiling, the other scowling? Are you both speaking in soft tones? Are you breathing at the same pace? Are you saying things he/she senses or believes to be accurate?

When you exhibit Internal Alignment—when all your communicative Outputs are offering the same message—your message has much more impact, and you seem more believable.

When you exhibit External Alignment—when your communication matches the other person’s sensory experience, or emotional/physiological state, or abstract beliefs—the other person feels increasingly similar to you, feels more inclined to trust you, and feels more inclined to absorb, experience, and learn from what you say.

Verbal Matching is one way of creating External Alignment, but there are others which we will explore shortly.

A common useful pattern is to establish strong External Alignment first, and then, when supplying the message or instruction you want someone to absorb fully, to exhibit strong Internal Alignment. Make the other person feel good, trust you, and open up to what you say, and then make sure what you say has an impact.

Examples of External Alignment between you and O:

1) Wearing the same style of clothes.
2) Reclining or standing in the same way.
3) Walking in synchrony, your legs going back and forth at the same time.
4) Following the same bodily rhythm: when sitting, swinging your foot at the same pace, or drumming a finger with the same rhythm O moves a foot, or blinking at the same time, or breathing at the same pace, or matching O’s respiratory rhythm with the movements of your hand.
5) Seeming to hold the same beliefs, values, or feelings. External Alignment which seems to be calculated—for example, obviously mimicking someone else’s movements—tends to create mistrust and irritation.

Internal Alignment is seeming to feel what you are saying; you reduce your Internal Alignment by expressing conflicting emotions with your body. Examples of violations of Internal Alignment:

1) Having a blank expression or folding your arms when you’re talking about how wonderful it is to fall in love.
2) Leaving one arm limp at your side when you talk about what a great deal you’re offering.
3) Making an assertion with a voice pitch that’s rising.
4) Shaking your head while you’re smiling in agreement.
5) Tensing your body while you say “Yes”.